I believe human needs to talk. I believe you will go crazy if there is no one for you to talk to. I also believe talking is a tricky thing and requires skill. Anyhow, that’s not exactly what I want to write today. I just want to write something about an event, which I said something not really nice — but I meant well. It just came out wrong! Somehow, I hope this piece will become a reminder for me in the future.
Sometimes we sat down by ourself and thought, “How I wish I didn’t say that”. And every time this kind of thought pops up, there was very little things you can do. And then you began to plan how to apologize. But you seems to have a lot of ego to maintain, and you ended up planning to stand your ground. Because according to you, you said what you said because you have a good intention.
Seriously, I meant well.
It was late at night, in fact it was very early in the morning, circa 3am. I had a long day, but I needed to wait for my colleagues to come back from an outstation. I needed their vehicle, a company rented 4-wheels, for my outstation on the next following day.
When they arrived, I acted coyly, hoping they wouldn’t notice how bored I was waiting. Well, guess we all know it feels — when waiting. Alone! One of them came to join me at a coffee shop where I was sitting with a friend, which arrived just a few minutes before him.
After few casual chats, I notice he (one that just came back from the outstation) looks very tired. So was I. I thought of cutting the chats short and wanted to call off the night. Instead of saying just exactly what I supposed to say, something like these came out, “Weehh! Ko pegi balik balik laaa Mas… letiiihh je macam! Dok sini pun… semakkk je!! “.
The guy stand up and pack his stuff. I thought he’s cool with it, but then I realized he was not! At that very moment, I knew — it came out wrong. It wasn’t my intention to shoo him away. I just thought he needed reason to leave and gave him one! Whalauwei!
I thought I need to fix this, quickly. But I wasn’t sure how? So decided to come clean and was trying to explain to him exactly how I describe earlier in this piece. I said it came out wrong… wasn’t my intention… thought he needed reason… And before my sentences could even finished, here was his reply, “Fuuuu**ckk youuuu laaahh!!! “. The one thing I failed to say immediately was sorry.
There wasn’t very much of damage control I can do.
That night, we parted our separate ways. We met again a few more times the next following days. To the date, sometimes it feels like this split second event never did take place, but I never did feels like it was the same when we’re sitting around at same table. Conversations, discussions, emails, and etc., look and seem alright, but deep down I don’t feel like it was the same — the way we were before that event.
I feel bad about it… I regretted it… I don’t know what to do about it… and I have not say sorry for it! Damn it…